Why Do We Expect Children to Regulate Emotions That Many Adults Still Struggle With?

By: David D. Robertson MA, MSW LLMSW

Few skills are discussed more frequently in parenting, education, and mental health than emotion regulation.

We encourage children to calm down when they are upset, use their words when they are frustrated, and manage difficult feelings without acting impulsively. These are important skills. Yet there is a question worth asking:

Why do we often expect children to regulate emotions that many adults are still learning to manage themselves?

The reality is that emotional regulation is not something we magically master upon reaching adulthood. It is a lifelong process influenced by our experiences, relationships, environments, and the coping strategies we learned early in life.

What Is Emotion Regulation?

Emotion regulation refers to our ability to recognize, understand, express, and respond to emotions in healthy and effective ways.

Contrary to popular belief, emotion regulation is not about suppressing feelings or maintaining constant calm. Rather, it involves developing the capacity to experience emotions without becoming overwhelmed by them.

Healthy emotional regulation allows us to navigate conflict, cope with stress, communicate effectively, and maintain meaningful relationships.

Why So Many Adults Struggle

Many adults were never explicitly taught how to identify or process emotions.

Instead, they may have received messages such as:

• “Stop crying.”

• “Get over it.”

• “Don’t be so sensitive.”

• “Be strong.”

While often well-intentioned, these messages can teach individuals to suppress emotions rather than understand them.

Additionally, experiences such as trauma, chronic stress, grief, family conflict, neglect, discrimination, or significant life transitions can all impact emotional regulation throughout adulthood.

Modern life adds another layer of complexity. Constant connectivity, demanding schedules, financial pressures, and ongoing exposure to distressing news can leave many people emotionally depleted before they even realize it.

The Impact on Relationships and Families

When adults struggle with emotional regulation, those challenges often appear in relationships. We may become reactive during conflict, withdraw when overwhelmed, struggle to communicate our needs, or unintentionally project our frustrations onto others.

Parents and caregivers face a particularly difficult task. Children learn emotional regulation not only through instruction but also through observation. They watch how adults respond to disappointment, stress, frustration, and uncertainty.

This does not mean adults must model perfection. In fact, demonstrating healthy repair after mistakes may be one of the most valuable lessons children can witness.

Building Emotional Regulation Skills

The good news is that emotional regulation can be strengthened throughout life.

Develop Greater Self-Awareness

The first step is noticing.

Pay attention to emotional triggers, physical sensations, recurring thought patterns, and behavioral responses. Increased awareness often creates opportunities to respond more intentionally rather than react automatically.

Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness helps us slow down enough to observe emotions without immediately acting on them.

Simple practices such as deep breathing, grounding exercises, journaling, or meditation can increase emotional awareness and reduce reactivity over time.

Seek Support When Needed

Therapy can provide valuable tools for understanding emotional patterns, processing difficult experiences, and developing healthier coping strategies.

Seeking support is not a sign of weakness. It is often an act of self-awareness and courage.

Build Supportive Relationships

Emotional regulation does not happen in isolation.

Trusted friends, family members, support groups, and communities can provide validation, perspective, and connection during difficult moments.

Expand Your Emotional Vocabulary

Many people know only a handful of emotional words: angry, sad, happy, or stressed.

Tools such as feelings wheels can help individuals identify emotions with greater precision, making communication easier and fostering deeper self-understanding.

A More Compassionate Perspective

Perhaps the goal is not to ask why children struggle with emotional regulation. Perhaps the better question is why so many of us were expected to learn these skills without adequate support ourselves.

When we recognize that emotional regulation is a lifelong practice, we can approach both ourselves and others with greater compassion.

Children need guidance, patience, and modeling. Adults deserve those things too.

The more we normalize conversations about emotions, healing, and self-awareness, the more likely we are to create families, workplaces, and communities where people feel supported rather than judged for having human experiences.

At According To Sykes, we believe emotional well-being begins with curiosity, compassion, and connection. Learning to regulate our emotions is not about becoming perfect. It is about becoming more aware, more intentional, and more present with ourselves and the people around us.

Cited Sources:

- Benson, J. (2018). Emotionally healthy children: Helping children calm, center, and make smarter choices. New Harbinger Publications.

- Fernandez-Berrocal, P., & Extremera, N. (2016). Ability emotional intelligence, depression, and well-being. Emotion Review, 8(4), 311-315.

- Greenberg, L. S., Rice, L. N., & Elliott, R. (Eds.). (2016). Facilitating emotional change: The moment-by-moment process. Guilford Publications.

- Gross, J. J. (2015). Emotion regulation: Current status and future prospects. Psychological Inquiry, 26(1), 1-26.

- Hölzel, B. K., Lazar, S. W., Gard, T., Schuman-Olivier, Z., Vago, D. R., & Ott, U. (2011). How does mindfulness meditation work? Proposing mechanisms of action from a conceptual